I'm Ricky Thorne, and I approved this message.
Special Report from Freelander Smith:
For those of you who don't know, I've been absent from my column because I'm on special assignment, following the presidential candidates as they spin their way across America. One question has come up that I feel I must address immediately: What was strapped to
Bush's back during the first debate?
I know what it was. Unnamed sources have informed me that what viewers saw clinging to Bush's back during that fateful first debate was a computer power pack in case Dubya needed to be rebooted.
Folks, as political pundit and horror novelist (same thing) R.H. pointed out to
me during a late-night beer and
pretzel nosh while viewing Doctor
Strangelove, this information is
incorrect. Bush was never elected,
therefore he cannot be re-elected.
Hence, he doesn't need rebooting, he
simply needs to be booted.
This is
Freeland Smith reporting from French
Lick, Indiana.
________________________________________________________
You know me, Ricky. Ricky Thorne. Reporter. I’m guessing you didn’t know that I’ve spent some time chasing strings for such publications as
Rolling Stoned and UnderWraps. Well, I did, back in my wild youth, and that’s when I first met Freelander Smith.
Freelander Smith has always been a reporter. Even when he was a young, long-haired, Watergate-sniffing journalist, Freelander was different. He was a glorious bastard and he still is, at least when you can get him to groom himself and drop that ratty old bathrobe with the Jesus-or-Elvis-shaped bloodstain on the shoulder and into some clean clothes. (Try to get half a bottle of tequila down his throat and promise him the worm – if you do, he might tell you about that stain someday.)
I like Freelander
because he has pride worthy of a feline, a rare trait in a simple human. If you don’t show Freelander proper respect, he ignores you – and he never forgets. And if you’re trying to do something to his civil liberties that he doesn’t like, expect the Smith claws to unsheathe themselves and rip you up like so much cheap carpet. Worse, if you dare trample on the Bill of Rights, well, he’s going to lift his tail, back up and spray you all over the pages of whatever magazine will print his story. And Freelander Smith isn’t neutered. You know what that means. Once he marks you, everyone’s going to smell you for what you are.
Freelander Smith is not a Republican. Freelander Smith is not a Democrat. Freelander is not a fanatic. He thinks many things are possible, but nothing’s set in stone. However, he’s pretty certain that every non-fiction news story or article you encounter in big media print, radio or television news is spinning like a top.
Freelander believes in agendas. His own agenda is to expose the agendas of any person, company, or government that has power and wants to sell him – or you – something. Sometimes he chases the big boys, sometimes he chases whims, but whatever he’s chasing, it’s not his own tail. Or so he says.
So welcome to the world of Freelander Smith. He’s on assignment right now, so he asked me to post a few of his favorite links for your amusement. But first, he wants to turn your attention to the
Google conspiracy.
If you don’t feel like reading up on the details of how Google’s planning on bypassing your privacy and rights with its oh-so-attractive free Gmail program, here’s a little something, courtesy of
google-watch.org, for your cutting and pasting pleasure. Use it when someone Gmails you – or you’ll be on the record forever too!
