Linux ads
Mel: The blank-eyed and curiously
unsettling stare of this kid, who
looks like the distant cousin of
both the creepy banjo player in
Deliverance and the little girl
twins in The Shining, urges us...no
COMMANDS us to switch to Linux and
forsake our false computer god,
Gates.
Tamara: Watch out, Bill Gates! The
Children of the Damned inked a deal
with Linux! Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
Toe Fungus gets cute (Lamisil)
Mel: Digger the dermatophyte. They
even gave it a NAME! A cutesy one at
that. When I think cutesy, I do NOT
think of a parasite burrowing under
my toenail. After loads of
complaints, they finally edited the
commercial. Now Digger is chased
around and flattened by a giant
Lamisil pill before he gets to the
toenail.
Tamara: I'm sorry, but it's still
too gross for me; I didn't even know
it had been cut. I've never seen it
past the point where Li'l Digger
starts to tow the nail up. It starts
to rise and so does my lunch. I can
watch zombies eating brains or Jack
ripping a hooker, but I can't look
at toenails being. . . oh, even
writing it down makes my stomach
clench. It's taboo. Have you ever
dropped something really heavy on
your toe, and the nail turns black?
It doesn't hurt but one day you
realize it's wiggling around like a
loose tooth in a 10-year-old kid's
mouth, just waiting to be yanked.
It's not fun to pick at, like a
scab. It's your toenail. Fascinated,
you can't help but lift it a little,
just to see. And then, after you go
vomit, you come back into the room,
breath fresh and minty, the toe nail
a distant memory, and you start to
feel your gorge rise again as you
realize the TV is blaring the. . .
Got Milk ad where the Dog Eats
Peanut Butter
Tamara: This ad is what the mute
button on the remote was created
for. Oh, my ears! My ears! It's
almost as bad as being stuck in a
room with pubescent girls giggling
and chewing bubble gum. The 8th
Circle of Hell!
Mel: Unfortunately, or fortunately
depending on how you look at it, I
haven't seen this particular
commercial. If it's anything as bad
as the steak sauce commercial where
the dog owner licks (and licks and
licks and licks) the plate clean, I
think I'll pass. That commercial is
high on my list of auditory assault.
Enzyte (Smilin' Bob)
Mel: This commercial is a cheerful
cross between Invasion of the Pod
People and Soundgarden's video for
Black Hole Sun.
Valtrex must have had a small budget
for this commercial because I'd
swear that Smilin' Bob's wife is
actually Smilin' Bob in drag. But as
this
page proclaims
"Smiling Bob can't be kept down in Enzyte's new ad campaign". Unless,
you know, someone bashes him over
the head with a shovel. Maybe Mrs.
Bob whose had enough of Bob and his
ever-present, giant...smile.
Tamara: I think the marketing is ingeniously tacky -- all bad puns,
all the time. The phallic symbology is a Freudian wet dream. I
especially love the lamp you see
behind Mrs. Bob on the ad where
Smilin' Bob comes in the door (right
after Bob's neighbor's hose goes
limp and stops squirting). It's a
pole light and the lamp covers are
big purple clusters of obscenely fat
grapes. I keep looking for pubes,
you know? I think they're there,
somewhere.
Valtrex
Mel: Her eyes, her eyeeeees. She
looks awfully happy to be suffering
from herpes. In fact, the whole
commercial has such a happy tone
it's having the opposite effect.
Have herpes? Ride bikes, surf, make
out on the beach...don't have
herpes? Stay in your one-room
apartment and cry. Alone.
Tamara: You're so much deeper than
me, Mel. I never got my mind past
her eyes. They are pale, icy eyes,
the kind Native Americans say show a
lack of soul. Forget herpes, she
gives me a case of creeping willies.
Burger King
Mel: Wake up with the King. The King
of WHAT? Death and dismemberment?
Serial Killers dressed in plastic
costumes? I don't usually associate
giant frozen rictus-like masks with
hideous grins with breakfast foods.
Maybe it's just me. Bring back
Subservient Chicken please. He was
creepy and did freaky things but
only when you commanded him to. And
he didn't wear a crown either. Or
touch you.
Tamara: Some of us like men who are
happy in bed. . . Well, maybe he's a
little too happy, but in the King's defence, his man-slave, I mean
subject, touches him back before
recoiling homophobically. Also his
beard would tickle. However, his
nose is pretty long. . . does he
come with batteries??? Hmmm?
If the King did something on the
website, I'd like him more.
Subservient Chicken is better, even
if he doesn't look like a giant
strap-on marital aid.
Quiznos
Mel: "They got a pepper barrrr!"
Cute in a Frankensteinesque rodent
way. Still not something I'd readily
associate with food though.
Tamara: Because I tend to leave
Sci-Fi Channel running day and
night, this caught my attention a
long time ago. It's rivetingly
wrong. You just can't look away from
those gerbils with teeth and thyroid
problems. Quizno's were just popping
up in our area and we ended up going
in because of that ad. The chain
shows foresight in not having
posters of the repulsive little
spongemonkies in the dining areas!
Cha-Cha-Cha Charmin!
Mel: Bears using toilet paper in the
woods and wearing tutus and dancing,
three things bears don't normally
do. That I know of. Just plain
wrong. If a bear shits in the woods,
does he use toilet paper? And if he
uses toilet paper, will it be
Charmin paper? Imagine a celebrity
endorser in place of the bear
squatting behind the tree.
Tamara: Regis! Paging Regis!
*Tamara veers wildly off-topic to
indulge her Mr. Clean fantasy*
Tamara: Mr. Clean. Even when I was a little
girl, I sensed the testosterone in
Mr. Clean. Is he the sexiest cartoon
hunka man ever? Look at that body
and his willingness to please a
woman! And I'll bet he doesn't leave
smoodge on the sheets or urine on
the toilet seat! He's every woman's
dream. You know, they based Captain
Picard's character in Star Trek: The
Next Generation, on Mr. Clean.
That's how Patrick Stewart got the
role.
Mel: Now I've got a very strange
image in my head of Patrick Stewart
in a skin-tight white t-shirt with
suddenly bulging muscles,
instructing me on how to properly
clean my kitchen floor. Thanks,
Tamara! (No, really, thanks...)
Tamara: I wonder if he's available
for plumbing jobs too... Hey, Mr.
Clean, show us your snake!
___________________________________
Exorcist: The Beginning
Tamara: Exorcist: The Beginning -- What do you get when you make a sequel to The Exorcist that's so bad it makes the other two sequels seem like works of art? You get Repossessed. I mean, get it instead. As lame as that little parody is, it's better. Though I do like watching Exorcist II -- it's even a lot funnier than Repossessed.
Mel: Exorcist: The Beginning: A more apt title would have been Exorcist: The End (No, really we mean it this time), because they have almost milked this cash cow dry. I'm actually a little surprised there are no Exorcist action figures (now with more head spinning action!) or McDonald's Happy Meal tie-ins (Exorcist Demon Beanie Babies--Collect all 4!). Plus it doesn't help that the story line has plot holes big enough to drive a Mack truck though, shoddy camera work and even shoddier dialogue. What's next? The Exorcist vs. Freddy?
Tamara: I'm rooting for Freddy!
The Village:
Tamara: The job of a storyteller is often defined as "show, don't tell" -- and that's exactly what Shyamalan has done. He has been cursed into categorization by audience expectations of twist endings born of The Sixth Sense -- this is unfair to him and his work. Forget about all that and just enjoy the movie. In The Village, the twists are minor in comparison to what he's really pulled off. He has shown, not told, his audience how the power of fear and belief work. That's the brilliance of the film.
Mel: Most people go into a Shyamalan film thinking, "Here there be monsters," and are most often disappointed because despite the subjects of his movies, he has never actually written a monster-centric movie. The monsters in his movies are most often of the human species, with the exception of Signs, which contained aliens. Even so, the aliens in Signs were secondary to the main plot line and anything (terrorists, hostage-takers, serial killer on the loose) could have substituted with the same effect. Bottom line, if you go into The Village expecting to see monsters you will be disappointed. Only monsters present are the ones invented by the human mind, which can be quite frightening and horrific on their own.
Tamara: Will somebody tell me what the surprise ending in Signs is, please? Oooh, green men afraid of water hanging around in very green (well-irrigated) cornfields. I'm melting. I felt like I'd been to Oz. And I mean the one on HBO, not Dorothy's digs.
Mel: Hell if I know. Maybe the surprise ending was that we got exactly what Shyamalan had been broadly hinting at all throughout the movie? Instead of an actual "didn't see THAT coming" ending? Now if only someone could explain the logic of sending alien kidnappers/human harvesters who are fatally allergic to water all the way across the galaxy to a planet that is 90% water...
Tamara: Shyamalan also has continuity problems when it comes to foliage. Blatant in Signs, less so in the new flick, the shot of the too-mature-for-the-season garden stuck out like a sore plum, dragging me away from the main event. Still, that was a small mistake and everyone makes those. The thing is, I really wanted to hate The Village. I found Shyamalan's interview in EW as arrogant and condescending as his Blair Witch-style "documentary" on Sci-Fi Channel; it was laughable. And because it tried to make viewers take it seriously, it wasn't campy fun, but just as condescending as the EW interview.
Mel: Same here--I wanted very much to hate The Village after reading all the negative reviews and especially after seeing his "Me! It's all about me, me, me! Look at me, I'm a genius!" mockumentary on Sci-Fi. But really, the joke truly is on us because he worked his magic once again and managed to pull off another masterpiece. Well, perhaps "masterpiece" is too strong a word, but The Village did make me forget about my popcorn sitting in my lap for about an hour or so.
Tamara: Here's my question about The Village: Was it a wonderful little work of story-telling, a simple tale about human nature, or was it a grand attempt at trickery that was so insipid that I didn't even realize what the director was attempting to do to me? (Ala Oz. On HBO.) Having just watched Sixth Sense again, I hope it was the former.
Mel: I'm still not sure on that. Simple tale about human nature--yes. Grand attempt at trickery? Well, I found his hints and clues as to the big secret interspersed through the movie to be about as subtle as being whacked upside the head with a 2 by 4.
Tamara: Which is why I think they weren't really twists. They were clues. I hope. And let's talk about those dead animals in The Village. Mel, they looked just like the ones in August's Weird Files [click]. These critters are found all over the internet now. I wonder. . . in light of the Sci-Fi mockumentary, could the director possibly have planted these dead critter stories on the net, seeking publicity in a Blair-Witchy way? Or, does he want us to think he knows something we don't know? Or maybe it's all a coincidence. That would seem likely to me -- except for that drummed-in message in Signs. Nothing is coincidence.
Mel: Now THERE'S an example of taking publicity to a whole new level! Odd timing, I agree. But if that was his intent, it certainly backfired because all it managed to do was create long, drawn-out arguments over whether or not the mysterious creatures were dogs, chupacabras, or very small deer. If it looks like a deer, has hooves like a deer, and scientists say "it's a deer!", then it's probably a deer. Now if Shyamalan was remaking The Yearling: The Revenge, then we might be onto something...
Tamara: I hear he's been considering either that or Bambi: First Blood!
